What’s Love Got to Do With It?

By Robert and Michele Tedder

Love is one of the most meaningful, yet confusing, words in the English language. Webster defines love as affection, an emotion, a sharing, a commitment — even as a definition of itself. We can love our God, our spouse, our favorite sport, our friends; we can be in love and out of love.

For as long as mankind existed, we have experienced “being in love.”  We have dreamed about it, talked about it, sung about it, written poetry to express it and in recent years, acted it out in the movies and television.

Being in love or “emotional-love” can best be described as passion and is like no other feeling we know. We communicate emotional-love through our senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. Couples seen in premarital counseling frequently hold hands, kiss and hug. They talk of music, words, and moments that belong only to them. Their looks and touches send a clear message: “I am in love with you.”

Being in love is a God-given emotion that belongs in a marriage relationship, but many couples consider this feeling of love as the only basis for their marriage. The reality is that feelings come and go. Emotions can be lighted, like a fire. The more you fan the fire, the more it grows. But a fire quickly flickers and goes out if not attended. A fire needs fuel, care, attention and air so it may breathe and continue to burn. This feeling of love we have in our relationships also needs to be cared for if it is to continue nourishing our relationships.

Couples who consider being in love as the only basis for marriage will often divorce when their emotions wane. They think they’ve lost their marriage because they have lost their feelings for one another. A marriage based on feelings is destined to fail.

Although love is indeed a powerful emotion, it is idealistic to think that love is all you need. Love alone is not enough to make a marriage work. How do we know this? Most Americans report being in love at the time of marriage, yet the divorce rate still continues to be about 50 percent. In addition, in many married couples, one person is much happier than their partner. In fact, many unhappy couples stay together.

Love is important, but love alone is not sufficient to maintain a healthy, vitalized and happy marital relationship. Relationship skills, particularly communication and conflict resolution skills, are necessary, as is strong commitment from both individuals.

The most important area distinguishing happy and unhappy couples is communication. While finances, sex or other issues may be a topic of heated discussions, marital dissatisfactions and even breakups, the inability of a couple to communicate and find a solution is the root of the problem. The problem is not really the problem; how you handle it is.

Couples who are unable to resolve a conflict or problem in their marriage get stuck. When communication breaks down and the couple cannot get past their problem, the intimacy in their relationship suffers. They pull back from each other, become defensive, and cease to be vulnerable. Relationships do not function in healthy ways when there are unresolved conflicts.

As couples learn to resolve conflicts in their marriage in healthy ways, they will experience the joys and happiness they deserve.

For more information on this subject and other marriage and family questions or to inquire about counseling, seminars or retreats, contact Transform-ational Living at
(412) 983-2299 or transformation08@gmail.com.

Rev. Robert Tedder, MSW, Executive Director of Reach Up, Inc. and the Minister of Counseling at Union Baptist Church of Swissvale, is a licensed social worker with 18 years of clinical experience. A graduate of Duquesne University and the University of Pittsburgh, he is an adjunct instructor at the University of Pittsburgh, Site Coordinator for TWOgether Pittsburgh and a marriage coach for The Marriage Works.

A. Michele Tedder, MS, RN is a nursing instructor at UPMC St. Margaret School of Nursing with an 18 year history at Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic as a nurse clinician and mental health and wellness community educator. She is also a graduate of the University of Pittsburgh and Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Michele is an author, regional speaker and experienced in the area of adolescent depression and suicide. The Tedders are the co-founders of Transformational Living (formerly Household Ministries), a marriage, family and life wellness educational outreach program, and have been married 23 years. They live in White Oak and have three children, Robyn, Ryan and Ross.

Back to top