Can You Hear Me Now?

Have you ever felt like the communication between you and your spouse was like a dropped cell phone call? You felt certain that your verbal expressions were clear but judging from your partner’s response, there was definitely a disconnect? You said one thing but your partner heard another?

Effective communication is vital in any relationship. By definition communication is the ability to connect with another person through words. Communication involves talking and listening, is verbal and non-verbal. Couples often talk but have trouble communicating. True communication involves an exchange that effectively conveys thoughts and feelings. We often hear the words of others but fail to listen to the message in the words. The key to great communication is learning to listen. When couples learn to listen, the relationship is enriched with greater understanding and appreciation for one another.

The following are suggestions on how to improve communication in relationships:

• Be a ready listener – allow the other person to finish talking before answering.
• Be a reflective listener – repeat back to your partner what you think you heard to gain clarity.
• Be an empathetic listener – validate your partner’s feelings without judgment.
• Be slow to speak – don’t be hasty in your words to avoid saying things you may regret later.
• Do not use silence as a way to frustrate your partner – explain your hesitancy to speak at a given time.
• Do not yell or use angry words – use a kind response and respectful tone of voice.
• Do not retaliate with verbal attacks, criticism or blame – this may mean suspending conversation until both parties can speak calmly.
• Be open to the other person’s opinion – respecting your partner’s opinion may mean agreeing to disagree.
• Don’t make generalizations – avoid use of words like, “You always… You never…”
• Be willing to speak the truth – honesty can be constructive and liberating for both partners.

With practice, communication can improve in any relationship. Both partners must be committed to discovering new ways to connect verbally and identify barriers to successful communication. When couples are willing to explore differences and potential areas of miscommunication, they can reduce conversation dead zones and erect new towers of understanding.

For more information on this subject and other marriage and family questions or to inquire about counseling, seminars or retreats, contact Transformational Living at (412) 983-2299 or transformation08@ gmail.com.

Rev. Robert Tedder, MSW, Executive Director of Reach Up, Inc. and the Minister of Counseling at Union Baptist Church of Swissvale, is a licensed social worker with 18 years of clinical experience. A graduate of Duquesne University and the University of Pittsburgh, he is an adjunct instructor at the University of Pittsburgh, Site Coordinator for TWOgether Pittsburgh and a marriage coach for The Marriage Works.

A. Michele Tedder, MS, RN is a nursing instructor at UPMC St. Margaret School of Nursing with an 18 year history at Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic as a nurse clinician and mental health and wellness community educator. She is also a graduate of the University of Pittsburgh and Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Michele is an author, regional speaker and experienced in the area of adolescent depression and suicide. The Tedders are the co-founders of Transformational Living (formerly Household Ministries), a marriage, family and life wellness educational outreach program, and have been married 23 years. They live in White Oak and have three children, Robyn, Ryan and Ross.

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