To Forgive and Forget

…. To have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, to forgive and forget... until death do us part. Sound familiar?

These wedding vows are recited all over the world in declaration of a couple’s promise of commitment to one another for life. But, forgive and forget? When we exchanged vows twenty three years ago, the “forgive and forget” clause was omitted, just as it is today. However, it most certainly should have been included. This clause is part of the “fine print” of marriage that we don’t spend nearly enough time talking about before we say “I do.”

Throughout the course of any marriage, couples are going to offend one another. Some offenses are more serious than others, but whether the offense is big or small, feelings of hurt and anger can develop. If the couple doesn’t learn how to express those feelings and develop a willingness to forgive the other person, the marriage is sure to be strained. In the movie, Love Story, one of the most famous lines was, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Wrong!!! That was a nice cliché for Hollywood; however, love means having to say sorry over and over again.

In the gospel of Matthew, Peter inquired of Jesus if seven times was enough to forgive someone who offends us. Jesus replied, “No, seventy times seven.” This statement implied that there is no limit to how many times we should forgive those who hurt us. In the movie, The Passion of the Christ, one of the most compelling scenes depicted in the life of Christ was Him hanging on the cross after being beaten nearly beyond recognition. His first words are, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” What an example of true grace and humility. These are key ingredients in a marriage recipe to achieve true forgiveness when couples hurt each other.

Too often when we are offended, our focus becomes our personal sense of pain and disappointment. While the pain of being offended is real, we must be careful not to get stuck there. Instead, we must consider that sometimes true character is developed in us through hurtful experiences.

Forgiving those who offend us does not excuse their behavior rather it is an opportunity to be a living example of true love. Through this example we can influence the hearts and minds of those around us.

To “forgive and forget” must be considered a vital part of the vows made between husband and wife. When we declare our love and commitment to one another before God and man, it is important to remember that this divine union should exemplify love in its truest form, which includes forgiveness.

For more information on this subject or other marriage and family questions or to inquire about counseling, seminars or retreats, contact the Tedders at (412) 983- 2299 or at transformation08@gmail.com.

Rev. Robert Tedder, MSW, Executive Director of Reach Up, Inc. and the Minister of Counseling at Union Baptist Church of Swissvale, is a licensed social worker with 18 years of clinical experience. A graduate of Duquesne University and the University of Pittsburgh, he is an adjunct instructor at the University of Pittsburgh, Site Coordinator for TWOgether Pittsburgh and a marriage coach for The Marriage Works.

A. Michele Tedder, MS, RN is a nursing instructor at UPMC St. Margaret School of Nursing with an 18 year history at Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic as a nurse clinician and mental health and wellness community educator. She is also a graduate of the University of Pittsburgh and Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Michele is an author, regional speaker and experienced in the area of adolescent depression and suicide. The Tedders are the co-founders of Transformational Living (formerly Household Ministries), a marriage, family and life wellness educational outreach program, and have been married 23 years. They live in White Oak and have three children, Robyn, Ryan and Ross.

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