By Janice Lane Palko

The family is the cornerstone of our society. More than any other force it shapes the attitude, the hopes, the ambitions and the values of the child. And when the family collapses, it is the children that are usually damaged. When it happens on a massive scale, the community itself is crippled. So, unless we work to strengthen the family, to create conditions under which most parents will stay together, all the rest — schools, playgrounds, and public assistance, and private concern — will never be enough.

—Lyndon Baines Johnson

It’s not an easy time for families these days, with high divorce rates, overloaded schedules, stressed budgets, and the attack on traditional family values.  But strong families benefit everyone.  One of the easiest ways to strengthen family ties is to devote more time to family life.  In his book, Putting Family First, William J. Doherty, PhD, a marriage and family therapist, notes that in the last 20 years the time that families spend together has declined dramatically.  He contends that we have “overscheduled our kids and underconnected our families.”  According to Doherty, children have lost 12 hours a week of free time while their structured activities have soared from 30 minutes per week to 3 hours, leaving less time for family.  Dining as a family has also dropped by a third, and there has been a 28 percent decline in families taking vacations together.

Ken MacLeod, director, Parenting TWOgether Pittsburgh, also sees the correlation between the amount of time a family spends together and the health of the family.  “There is no substitute for time.  A child will feel closest to whomever they spend the most time,” MacLeod said.  He knows that families are busy, but he suggests that parents take the opportunity to connect whenever the chance arises.  “Working shoulder-to-shoulder on a project or common goal is a great time to initiate a conversation.  While riding in the car, is an ideal time to connect with children, especially teens,” MacLeod said.  He stresses that parents should avoid inquisition style sessions.  “That type of thing doesn’t work with teens.  Ask open ended questions.”  He also advocates that families dine together.

Dee Dee Giovanazzi, director, Family and Community Services for Holy Family Institute, works with families that are in distress and has been doing so for 22 years.  Among the many strategies she uses to help families referred to her is to establishing a family game night.  “We stress to families the importance of scheduling time for family fun.  There has to be a balance in life,” Giovanazzi said.  “One night a week, set aside at least 20 minutes to play a game like Trouble or Sorry.  Let one member of the family pick the game and another take care of the snack.”

For families struggling with issues, she recommends setting aside time for family meetings.  “We encourage communication between family members by making sure that when one person is speaking, no one else is allowed to interrupt.  We also recommend that the person talking, if they are airing a grievance about another family member, start off with saying something positive about the family member with whom they have a problem.  In turn that person must say something kind,” Giovanazzi said.

Giovanazzi says that no one goes into parenthood intending to be a bad parent.  “Sometimes families just get stuck in being negative, or they have no other comparison of how family life could be better if they grew up in a troubled family.”

A study conducted by the University of Florida discovered that strong families share certain characteristics.  They are:  a commitment to one another; physical, spiritual and emotional wellness; effective communication; appreciation of all family members; spending sufficient time together and having techniques for dealing with stress.

Another way for families to share time is to gather for meals.  According to Dr. Doherty’s book, there is a strong link between family dinners and success in American teenagers.  Studies have shown that regular family meals contribute to academic success, psychological adjustment, decreased rates of alcohol and drug use, early sexual behavior and suicidal tendencies.

But what about people who don’t grow up in a loving family?  Certainly, it makes life more challenging, but there is hope as attested to by the success stories of Abithia Cunningham and Troy Robinson, who were both received help from Holy Family Institute.

Cunningham [photo right] came to Holy Family when she was 12.  Her mother had died, a victim of violence, and her uncle and guardian had been incarcerated.  She was a very angry child, but the Holy Family staff reached out to her and helped her heal.  She credits David DiMichele, Holy Family’s director of spiritual development, for helping her to understand that “even though traumas happen, you don’t just stop your life.  You have to keep progressing for your own sake and because that’s what your loved ones would have wanted,” Cunningham said.  Today she is an accounting consultant for The Siegfried Group in Atlanta and was recently honored as the 2008 Courage House Award, given each year to a Holy Family alumnus who has shown courage in overcoming personal adversity.

Sometimes when one member of the family is strengthened, it has far reaching ramifications.  Troy Robinson, another Holy Family residen,t recently returned as a new employee.  Robinson will serve its chief development officer.  Robinson came to Holy Family when he was 10.  With the love and care of Holy Family and his foster family, he was able to overcome many challenges.  He now hopes to help others.  “I am a physical manifestation of the love and guidance that Holy Family provides,” Robinson said.  “When a resident sees me, I hope that he or she will think, ‘He made it.  I can too.” 

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Adoption Feature Articles:

Insight on Adoption | Research & Reunion for Adoptive Children | Three Rivers Adoption Council Supports Adoptive Families

Insight on Adoption

“Adoption is a life-long process,” said Sandra McLaughlin-Butzine, executive director of Bethany Christian Services, an adoption agency whose Pittsburgh office is located in Wexford. McLaughlin-Butzine, who has been working for 27 years to place children with adoptive families, also knows from personal experience that being adopted strikes different chords at different times in an adoptee’s life. She and her sister, who is 18-months older and not related biologically, were adopted in1961 from Korea. They grew up in Erie along with their younger sister who was born to their parent two years after their arrival. Sandra and her sister are among the more than 200,000 Korean children who have found homes with adoptive families in the United States.

“Obviously, I grew up knowing I was adopted because I didn’t look like my parents. My mother often told me my favorite bedtime story about two little girls coming from Korea to a mommy and daddy,” McLaughlin said. “My parents had friends who had also adopted children from Korea so we grew up with other Korean children, and I never went through a period when I didn’t want to be adopted.”

Details regarding her birth are sketchy, but she knows she was found on the sidewalk near a police station in Seoul, South Korea. “When I was around 13, I realized I had a birth mother, and I had always said since I was eight that I was going to go to Korea,” she said. “My parents never discouraged me. In fact, when I was 21, I decided to go the Bahamas for Spring Break from college, and my mother said, if you’re going to travel for the first time, you should travel far, and she suggested I go to Korea.”

Many agencies host motherland tours, and it was through one of these excursions that McLaughlin-Butzine first started exploring the land of her birth. “It was an eye-opening experience. I was trying to take in everything at once—the sights, the smells. And I realized that although I looked like everyone else, I still felt different. I felt American. I didn’t speak the language, and I didn’t even know how to use chop sticks,” she said.

She stayed at the orphanage where she lived as an infant. “I remember lying in bed wondering what my life would have been like had I never been adopted,” McLaughlin-Butzine said. That experience was life-changing. She had been a music therapy major, but when she came home, she decided to work helping to place children for adoption. “I wanted to advocate for the children left in the orphanages. I wanted to be a voice for those kids,” she said.

Since then McLaughlin-Butzine has helped to place numerous children in adoptive homes, and she often leads motherland tours. “It’s exciting to see through someone else’s eyes as they discover their heritage.” In September, she received the Angels in Adoption Award from the Congressional Coalition on Adoption, the highest award given in this field. Rep. Jason Altmire nominated her for the award.

McLaughlin-Butzine has gone from being an adoptive child to one who helps facilitate adoptions because she believes so strongly that children need to grow up in a family, whether they look like their parents or not. “What matters,” she said, “is love.” If you have a void in your heart that the love of an adoptive child could fill, visit www.bethany.org for more information.

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Research and Reunion for Adoptive Children

By Janice Lane Palko

Often adoptive children have questions about their birth parents and the circumstances surrounding their birth and adoption. Or they may wish to contact them. The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh, for several decades, has been helping to provide answers for those who were adopted. Kristin Thompson, Research and Reunion program coordinator for the Children’s Home, acts as an advocate for adult adoptees seeking information who have been placed in adoptions through the home. If the adoptee is under 18, the adoptive parents must initiate the search process.

“Many call for information—medical, social history—some call just to inquire about the process or to learn what information they are able to receive,” Thompson said. “Depending upon the records in the file, I can provide non-identifying information such as birth history, general physical description, but I cannot give out any information that would be easily traceable to the birth parents without their consent.”

Deciding to inquire about one’s adoption can be very emotional and often times it is a process coming to that decision. “I frequently receive several phone calls before an adoptee decides to initiate the research or takes steps to facilitate a reunion,” Thompson said. “I always tell those inquiring to think about the end result. Will they be disappointed if they learn something that is less than favorable or if the birth parent resists making a connection?”

Sometimes obtaining information about an adoption is relatively simple. “If I open a file and there is paperwork showing that a birth parent has consented to being contacted and has provided updated contact information, that may mean all I have to do is make a phone call,” Thompson said. Since the late 1980s and the advent of open adoptions, many birth mothers have their information available.

Sometimes the process is more complicated. Adoptees are not permitted to search court records on their own. Pennsylvania law requires that a petition for information request be submitted through Orphans Court, which then assigns an intermediary to work on the search. Those adopted through the Children’s Home can request that it act as their intermediary.

Based upon what information is discovered, the adoptee can request that contact be made with the birth parent or parents. “The outcomes vary. I have contacted some birth parents who are shocked to be contacted after so many years. Many have gone on to have other families and those members are not aware of the adoption. Some are happy to know that the child they placed for adoption has fared well, and some welcome the chance to reunite with their child,” Thompson said.

Whatever the outcome, the Children’s Home supports the adult adoptee with counseling and education throughout each step of the way. Fees are reasonable. A full-blown search is generally $500, a non-court ordered search is $300 and a birth history is $200. If Thompson only needs to make a phone call, as in open adoptions where contact information has been provided, there is usually no fee involved.

Thompson finds that no matter the result, “Most people are glad they did the search. While a less-than-favorable outcome can be painful, most find it still brings them a sense of resolution.”

For more information on the Children’s Home and the Research and Reunion Services, visit the website at: www.childrenshomepgh.org.

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Three Rivers Adoption Council Supports Adoptive Families

By Janice Lane Palko

Three Rivers Adoption Council (TRAC) is well known in the area for the wonderful work it does in helping to find nurturing homes for children lacking one. Since 1979, TRAC has placed hundreds of children into loving families. TRAC focuses on placing special needs children in families. Special needs is defined by the government as a child over eight years old, sibling groups, children from minority populations and those children with physical and/or emotion limitations. Unfortunately, these special needs children are harder to place and hundreds in the area wait to be adopted.

For those hesitant to adopt such a child, it should be known that TRAC supports the adoptive family every step of the way, even post adoption. Kathy Bailey knows what invaluable support TRAC offers to those who have adopted children with special needs. Over the years, Bailey of Penn Hills has adopted five children: Precious, who is now 22; Tyffany, 20; Markeya, 18; Brandon, 17; and Tony, 16. Even though her children weren’t adopted through TRAC, she still found their resources invaluable. “One of my children suffered with ADHD. I made a few calls and my caseworker sent to Three Rivers. They were able to give us the help we needed,” Bailey said. Each of her adoptive children has received support through TRAC, and now all are thriving and doing well in school. “TRAC is always out there to help somebody help someone else,” Bailey said.

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