Love Language Fluency

By Robert and Michele Tedder

For the past two months, we have been discussing the Five Love Languages as defined by Gary Chapman in his book by the same name. As previously stated, Dr. Chapman identifies words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and touch as the primary love languages spoken by couples. In this issue, we want to continue our discussion of the importance of your partner becoming fluent in your love language but also address the need to appreciate your partner’s love language.

The thing that makes you feel most loved by your spouse, what you desire above everything else or what you ask of your spouse most often is an indicator of your primary love language. When your husband or wife expresses love in the way you prefer, your emotional needs are met and you get that “in love” feeling that you probably experienced when you first met. Few couples maintain the “in love experience” throughout the life of their relationships. However, it can be done if couples are willing to learn and speak each other’s primary love languages.

If your spouse has learned to speak your primary love language, your need for love will continue to be satisfied. If he or she does not speak your love language, your “love tank” will slowly be depleted and your relationship eventually will be on “E.” Keeping the “love tank” full or risking running out of “gas” is a choice. If you learn the emotional love language of your spouse and use it frequently, he or she will continue to feel loved, even after coming down off of that “in love” emotional high of days gone by. However, if you have not learned his or her primary love language or have chosen not to speak it, your spouse will descend from the emotional high with yearnings of unmet emotional needs.

Gary Chapman wrote in The Five Love Languages, “Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love.”

Choosing to speak your partner’s love language may not be easy. Often times, the love language of your spouse is something that does not come naturally for you. Many women’s primary love language is “acts of service.” For them vacuuming the floor or washing the dishes is an act of love. Some men may find it difficult to engage in such domestic duties. Numerous husbands identify “physical touch” as their primary love language. For them holding hands, kissing or embracing communicates love more clearly than anything else. Some wives did not grow up in “touching” families and are unaccustomed to physical displays of affection. Others fear that touch simply means sex to their husbands. In either situation, couples must choose do what does not come “naturally.” When you act outside of your comfort zone, you demonstrate a greater manifestation of love.

However, no one should be forced to give up their “native love language.” Your spouse may still enjoy showering you with gifts even though you prefer “words of affirmation.” Just know that he or she is loving you in a way that is most familiar. As long as your partner is willing to speak your language also, allow him or her to use their native tongue.

The key to marital compatibility and fulfilling love is learning to be bilingual. Choosing to speak one another’s love language whether it is natural for you or not will allow you to meet your spouse’s emotional
need and keep your love tanks full.

Rev. Robert Tedder, MSW, Executive Director of Reach Up, Inc. and the Minister of Counseling at Union Baptist Church of Swissvale, is a licensed social worker with 18 years of clinical experience. A graduate of Duquesne University and the University of Pittsburgh, he is an adjunct instructor at the University of Pittsburgh, Site Coordinator for TWOgether Pittsburgh and a marriage coach for The Marriage Works.

A. Michele Tedder, MS, RN is a nursing instructor at UPMC St. Margaret School of Nursing with an 18 year history at Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic as a nurse clinician and mental health and wellness community educator. She is also a graduate of the University of Pittsburgh and Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Michele is an author, regional speaker and experienced in the area of adolescent depression and suicide. The Tedders are the co-founders of Transformational Living (formerly Household Ministries), a marriage, family and life wellness educational outreach program, and have been married 23 years. They live in White Oak and have three children, Robyn, Ryan and Ross.

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