The Language of LOVE, Part 2

By Robert and Michele Tedder

Last month we began discussing the Five Love Languages as defined by Gary Chapman in his book by the same name. Dr. Chapman identifies words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and touch as the primary love languages spoken by couples. This month we will begin to discuss how couples can learn to speak their spouse’s love language. When couples develop love language fluency, the result is experiencing love that is fulfilling and better understood.

The first step in understanding your spouse’s love language is to ask your spouse how they like to receive love and how they like to show love. Often times people give love differently than the way they enjoy receiving it. A good exercise to complete with your spouse is for both of you to divide a piece of paper into two columns (Column A and Column B). Under column A write how you enjoy giving love. Under column B write how you enjoy receiving love. Each column should list the five love languages: words, time, gifts, service and touch in rank order of importance.

When both of you have completed your responses, exchange papers and see if the way you like to receive love matches how your spouse likes to give love. If number one on your list for receiving love is gifts and number one on your spouse’s list for giving love is touch, there is a good chance that you are experiencing difficulty with the fluency of your love languages. In order to enjoy a more fulfilling love experience, you will both have to learn to speak the other’s primary love language in they way they like to receive it.

When words of affirmation are a person’s primary love language, they tend to listen for words that are kind and validating. When the person does not hear the words they are looking for, eventually they may begin to feel insecure and unloved. Offering compliments and words of encouragement are a great way to meet your spouse’s need for affirmation. While this may sound easy, putting words of affirmation into action may be difficult if this is not your primary love language. Learning to speak your spouse’s primary love language will require sacrifice, but true love is not selfish and seeks to put the other person first. If you have trouble finding affirming words, start by making a list of all of the positive attributes you enjoy about your spouse. Once you have made your list, begin to compliment your spouse using your list at least once a day. Eventually you’ll become more fluent and your spouse will begin to feel fulfilled and appreciated.

In the next issue, we will continue to provide suggestions for how to become fluent in your partner’s love language. We will also begin to address understanding and accepting your spouse’s “native love language” despite it not being your preferred way to receive love.

For more information on this subject or other marriage and family questions or to inquire about counseling, seminars or retreats, contact the Tedders at (412) 983- 2299 or at transformation08@gmail.com.

Rev. Robert Tedder, MSW, Executive Director of Reach Up, Inc. and the Minister of Counseling at Union Baptist Church of Swissvale, is a licensed social worker with 18 years of clinical experience. A graduate of Duquesne University and the University of Pittsburgh, he is an adjunct instructor at the University of Pittsburgh, Site Coordinator for TWOgether Pittsburgh and a marriage coach for The Marriage Works.

A. Michele Tedder, MS, RN is a nursing instructor at UPMC St. Margaret School of Nursing with an 18 year history at Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic as a nurse clinician and mental health and wellness community educator. She is also a graduate of the University of Pittsburgh and Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Michele is an author, regional speaker and experienced in the area of adolescent depression and suicide. The Tedders are the co-founders of Transformational Living (formerly Household Ministries), a marriage, family and life wellness educational outreach program, and have been married 23 years. They live in White Oak and have three children, Robyn, Ryan and Ross.

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